urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07 welcome to ann's mind..enter at your own risk stargazer_07 2007-01-31T08:43:49Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:32561 2007-01-31T08:42:53Z 2007-01-31T08:43:49Z Joe Purdy - The City this sucks. this right now, sucks.<br /><br />its 1:30 in the morning. i am not allowed to sleep. i don't want to do physics. there's so many clouds and so much humidity there's no way we're going to open. but i have to stay awake. at least for another couple hours.<br /><br />i'm bored - i've already done one problem set, read the chapter. i don't want to do the other. i don't want to study. i've played mah jong until i can't look at tiles anymore. i've watched 18 episodes of grey's anatomy. i've eaten all my cookies and its only 1:30. i usually save my cookies until 4:00. <br /><br />i'm lonely - i'm 6300 feet up in an empty control room and can't even do my work. its my 2 year anniversary and i haven't seen him for over a month. he's sick and the best i can do is call. i miss my family, my friends, and my cat. &gt;^.^&lt;<br /><br />i'm scared - i had a panic attack today. full-fledged, can't breath, almost throw up, panic attack. its senior year and i'm trying to graduate, do two things of research so that i can publish two papers...i'm trying to say the right things to the right people to get me a job in the bay area. i'm serious about attempting to get to california...and that scares the shit out of me. i'm leaving everything i know, and trying to get to california. i don't know what to think of that. i really don't. i just know its what i want and it scares me. <br /><br />i can say for the first time being up here, though, i'm not scared of axe murderers or scorpions or snakes (its too freaking cold for them to be up here). i'm getting over my fear of the dark (sort of...)<br /><br />i know i'm freaking out cause all i want to do is go home. last night, tonight and 90% chance tomorrow night are all washes. there's no point in me being up here right now. i took an hour worth of shitty data last night. i want to go home. to my bed, to my friends who help me feel not so lonely, to a shower that doesn't make me feel and smell weird when i get out (there's something with the water up here), to food that isn't horrible cafeteria food.<br /><br />28 hours and i'll be in the van on my way down the mountain and back to tucson...then back home. i can't wait.<br /><br />in the meantime, i'm going to try to eat all the remaining food i have (a box of wheat thins, half a box of cereal, 8 cans of coke, half a thing of cranberry juice, half a gallon of milk, 10 granola bars, carrots, cheese sticks....the list goes on). and deal with not having any shampoo or conditioner for one more shower.<br /><br />and i guess i'll stop procrastinating and start my problem set. maybe... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:32419 2007-01-27T09:28:32Z 2007-01-27T13:21:31Z John Mayer hahahahaha<br /><br /><div style="padding:8px;margin:15px;background-color:#CFCF95;color:#1A0A13;font-family: georgia, helvetica, trebuchet ms, verdana, sans-serif;"><h2 style="text-align:center;font-size:110%;background-color:#DFDFa5;padding:2px"><a href="http://thesurrealist.co.uk/trivia.pl?subject=Ann&amp;gender=f" style="color:#000;background-color:#DFDFa5">Ten Top Trivia Tips about Ann!</a> </h2> <ol><li>It takes a lobster approximately 7 years to grow to be Ann.</li><li>If the Sun were the size of a beach ball then Jupiter would be the size of a golf ball and Ann would be as small as a pea!</li><li>If you lick Ann ten times, you will consume one calorie.</li><li>Ann can sleep with one eye open.</li><li>In 1982 Time Magazine named Ann its 'Man of the Year'.</li><li>Wearing headphones for an hour will increase the amount of Ann in your ear 700 times!</li><li>Ann can give birth ten days after being born, and is born pregnant!</li><li>Ann can usually be found in nests built in the webs of large spiders!</li><li>In Japan it is considered rude to talk with Ann in your mouth.</li><li>You would have to dig through four thousand kilometres of Ann to reach the earth's core.</li></ol><form action="http://thesurrealist.co.uk/trivia.pl" method="get" style="background-color:#5F5F42;color:#CFCF95;padding:4px;text-align:center">I am interested in <input name="subject" type="text"> - do tell me about<select name="gender"><option value="f">her</option><option value="m">him</option><option value="n">it</option><option value="p">them</option></select><input value="Go" type="submit"></form></div><br /><br /><br />thanks minda!<br /><br />and btw - i wish i could erase the first half of sophmore year from my head. i was just cleaning out my inbox and found my folder of saved messages from sophmore year. most of them were fun and cute, then i ran into the time frame of fall term. disasterous and iritating.<br /><br />anyway, i'm updating after months not because i have anything relevent to say...i'm just stuck on the top of a mountain and am looking for distractions. :) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:32030 2006-08-14T14:49:01Z 2006-08-14T14:49:01Z ahhh! this isn't happening. coach finally posted the schedule for the fall season and he scheduled us to play rutgers over homecoming weekend!! no! this is the first time since his first year coaching that he's had us miss homecoming... i really don't want to miss my last bonfire or miss seeing james...but i also really want to play my last tourney of my senior fall. ugh. so frustrated.<br /><br />i guess i'll figure it out once season starts...but definitely not good news right when you wake up...<br /><br />other than that, life is good - finished the internship on friday and have been hanging around dartmouth ever since. its great to see my friends and i'm surprised just how many of them there are this summer! <br /><br />and...only 3 days until i go to cali! i'm so excited!!<br /><br />anyway, i'm off to start my day...but i needed to vent.<br /><br />why is coach so worthless? who posts the schedule 3 weeks before you start season without any information given to your students...<br /><br />ugh. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:31859 2006-08-03T20:52:24Z 2006-08-03T20:52:24Z Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars 8 days.<br /><br />14 days.<br /><br />god i can't wait for either of those to happen. i need this next week to go by so quickly...i'm about to lose my mind here. i've never been with a group of people so inconsiderate in all my life. if this is what all astromy geeks are like, i don't think i can do this. it started out with just debbie. then it was kat and dylan and their little cheating escapades (last night they couldn't even keep it in their rooms, they were public in the hall...HE HAS A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND...and you claim to feel guilty. go piss up a rope.. then it was scott and his incessent sarcasm. now it's jon and kevin (who i never would have thought...). the only people i still really like on this trip are chris and sam. that's sad. i just want to leave this place and go back to my friends at dartmouth. i miss everyone so much...i'm so lonely here. i can't handle any of this...and there's fighting every day...i feel like i'm in the real world. if i was actually in one of those shows i think i would walk off two episodes in. work is honestly the only thing that's keeping me insane and that's not saying much considering every day my data goes from excellent to crap depending on what my advisor thinks...<br /><br />and i have a week to write a 10 page paper and finish analysis, and make a presentation....and i'm still making plots and more plots...ugh<br /><br />on a happier note (my journal barely knows what happy is..haha...i only come here to bitch....) - 8 days til my vacation begins! 5 days at dartmouth, 6 days with james (i can't wait!!!! it's been 2 months already...), 5 days in florida with the family, back to PA for a couple days where i'll get my hair cut and go to oakmont, then back to school for preseason and massive amounts of GRE studying. eventually i'm going to write a post about my future...i'm hoping that'll help me sort out what i actually want to do with myself after next year. we had a talk today with all of our mentors about grad school and it got me thinking i maybe should take some time off again...right when i was fully on the 'i'm going to grad school' wagon. ahhh welll...<br /><br /><br />alright...i think i've ranted enough to make me feel slightly better. one weekend left with these people and i may escape to the pottery studio or something else cool and leave them all behind.... i don't know. <br /><br />and it's too freaking hot...i'm going to go lay in front of my fan and hopefully finish my book.<br /><br />i'm so tired of all these selfish people...it wears you down when people take take take...and when its their turn to offer (not even give) they turn the other way and walk...leaving you standing in the hallway what you ever did to deserve it. <br /><br />times like this i hate being a pollyana... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:31568 2006-06-13T18:25:35Z 2006-06-13T18:25:35Z Love Generation so i wake up this morning at 6:30, get ready for the day, and around 7:00 decide to open up my windows to let some light and fresh air in. the windows at rivier are strange...they kind of work like sliding glass doors. anyway, i'm opening the window closest to my bed when i realize there is a small, black, fuzzy, hopping, evil 'pider on the inside of the screen. i proceed to let out a shriek and then close that window and all the others in my room. i've decided at this point that i would rather live in a stuffy room than have the chance of having evil 'pider living in bed with me (he had large front legs that appeared to me as pinchers of doom at the time).<br /><br />i go back to getting ready for the day when i realize that unless i get rid of the evil 'pider i will not be able to open my windows for the rest of the summer out of fear. so, 15 mins later after returning about 7 times to the window to look at the creature, scream, and walk away i decide i must be brave and take action.<br /><br />now, killing the 'pider was not as easy as killing 'piders usually is. because, you see, this evil, black, fuzzy 'pider was fast. really fast. and he had a little space between the screen and the window sill where he liked to sit. it was a small space and i could not fit a shoe in there to kill him. i had to be more creative. so, i searched around the room trying to find something small enough to fit into the hole in case the 'pider decided to hide there during my attack. i finally decide on my weapons - a shoe, a kleenex, and a golf tee. i sneak towards the window, and see the evil 'pider hanging out on the screen. i contain yet another shriek, and slide the window open. sure enough the 'pider dashes towards his hideaway. i wait, though, until he thinks its safe and emerges from his hole. now he doesn't come out far enough, because he senses something is wrong. he comes out, does a little evil hop, then returns quickly to his hideaway. i get his pattern down, and eventually decide it is time to take action. i realize the shoe is no longer a good weapon and so prepare myself with the tee and the kleenex. the 'pider emerges and i strike, however, my hand is shaking so i mearly stun him and he runs back into his cove. i realize now it is time for the golf tee, cause now the 'pider is pissed and he will seek vengence for what has been done to him. i must kill him before he attacks me. i take the tee and the kleenex and proceed to start violently mashing anything i can into his cove. i do this for a while and hear lots of crackling noises of the 'pider being mushed to death. finally, when i believe it is safe i remove my weapons and lo and behold, the only thing that remains of the 'pider are his evil pincher legs, smashed into the screen.<br /><br />i vanquished the evil 'pider! :)<br /><br /><br /><br />...kill the 'pider... <br /><br /><br />alright...i must go back to work now. my computer is being slow at running data and it bores me... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:31284 2006-05-27T04:27:37Z 2006-05-27T04:27:37Z La Vie Boheme hello world! :)<br /><br />so it's a friday night and i am attempting to do work. ugh. i hate finals...but i am going to be soooooooooo happy when this term is finally over. i hope i come out of it ok. i've been so very stressed since the beginning of this (wow it seems so long ago i started these classes) and i just want to sleep and get rid of this cold i've had for the past 4 weeks. but it's almost over...only 4 assignments left! wooo! and my project group is once again being soo annoying (hence the work i am doing...).<br /><br />anyway, enough random bitching about my work. i am procrastinating anyway. ;)<br /><br />the one thing that makes me sad about this term is the fact that after this..there will be no more james at dartmouth. why did he have to go so far away? i mean i want him to have this job..it's amazing and he'll be great at it<br /><br />"they say i have the best ass below 14th street...is it true? you're staring again..."<br /><br />sorry. i love that part of the song.<br /><br />alright back to the post...he'll be great at the job and he'll be really happy, i know it. but why does it have to be all the way across the freakin' country?!?! c'mon.<br /><br />i've been addicted to rent (if you didn't pick up on all the lyrics throughout this post), i finally watched it last night and bawled and bawled...it was amazing. take life as it is - and live every day to the fullest no matter what happens.<br /><br />wow i am random tonight. i just want to not have to do work anymore. this week went by so quickly...and its all because of the massive amount of hours i spent in the library/doing research. not fair. why do i want to graduate so bad? <br /><br />alrighty, i think i am going to get back to work/do some pleasure reading/sleep/listen to more rent. :)<br /><br />sorry for the randomness, but for not updating in forever what better way to restart the journal than with randomness? ;)<br /><br />good night all! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:31224 2006-04-26T13:42:16Z 2006-04-26T13:42:16Z Rascal Flatts - Stand so, i think i may begin to need my journal again...<br /><br />i know it's been like 9 months, but whatevs.<br /><br />‘Cause when push comes to shove<br />You taste what you’re made of<br />You might bend ‘til you break<br />‘Cause it’s all you can take<br />On your knees you look up<br />Decide you’ve had enough<br />You get mad, you get strong<br />Wipe your hands, shake it off<br />Then you stand, then you stand...<br /><br />off to class. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:30758 2005-09-16T07:41:22Z 2005-09-16T07:41:22Z Dane Cook - HAHAHAHA <img src="http://images.quizilla.com/M/Medalladark/1126016253_esmurdered.jpg" border="0" alt="HASH(0x8af857c)"><br>You were murdered. More than likely for money. You<br>were very brave, but after what happened you<br>have become shy and worried. You never deserved<br>anything that happened to you and you should<br>live your life to the fullest now. Your life<br>story was very tragic.<br /><br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/Medalladark/quizzes/How%20did%20you%20die%20in%20your%20past%20life%3F%20(for%20everyone)/"> How did you die in your past life? (for everyone)</a><br> <font size="-2">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:30212 2005-09-13T03:35:02Z 2005-09-13T03:35:02Z i wonder what happens if you eat 10 servings of carrots in about 2 hours....<br /><br />oops. :) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:30145 2005-09-13T03:33:42Z 2005-09-13T03:33:42Z Peter Gabrielle - Solsbury Hill ugh.<br /><br />i'm so frustrated.<br /><br />so i spent last night looking up grad schools, minors, etc. and i got confused about a couple things...so i gave up for the night. meanwhile today during dinner i asked my prof. about minors and grad schools...he said 'oh, a math minor could be fun', then 'you're not putting all your eggs in one basket are you? are you actually planning on going into astronomy, cause that is a really tough road to go'. he proceeded to tell me how it's all about luck and that there are certainly no...<br /><br />*rant interrupted by a sane conversation with ev*<br /><br />convo with ev (and rhea) was good...i am still freaking out a bit. i don't really know what i want to do....i don't know if astro is really my passion or i made it that way. i'm not good at it..and gosh who would want to hire me. further more...do i really want to spend anoter 5/6 years in school only to come out and not be better off than i was when i went in? how will i know whether where i go will want a PhD or just an undergrad (ev's got a pretty sweet deal and she didn't have to take classes for another 5 years...)?<br /><br />ugh.<br /><br />ugh.<br /><br />ugh.<br /><br />so i'm sitting here...eating carrots. waiting for my comp to take. i need to find some sort of center for advice. i mean chris told me, finish my degree, write a thesis, take one grad level course and i can go anywhere i want. thor told me not to lock myself in and keep my options open...<br /><br />i guess the start of your life is all about change...if i was settled already would lead to a very boring remainder of my life. if i knew what i wanted to do and be and was doing it already...i'd probably be pretty tired of it by the time i reached 40.<br /><br />meh.<br /><br />my brain gets to thinking too much up here on the top of this mountain. i create unwarranted insecurities, freak out about my future, get scared by everything, think there's going to be an axe murderer everytime i open the door (so i sing to myself, cause i figure, if i'm gonna go i might as well go with a happy tune in my head :) ).<br /><br />but seriously, i'm not that paranoid. i just am one who like to have a plan, and idea, a conclusion all drawn out...i don't roll with the change as much as ev. but i guess being in the maze is really what it's all about in the end... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:29826 2005-09-10T05:59:49Z 2005-09-10T06:50:40Z Sugar Ray - Falls Apart yeah...so i'm sitting here, checking blitz every 2 mins, hoping one of the 8 people i blitzed may respond on a friday night at 1:40. highly unlikely.<br /><br />so i think to myself...i might as well go update my lj since there is absolutely nothing else going on in my life, so here it is. one of the rare updates from ann.<br /><br />i'm up at kitt peak right now. doing some observing and all of that jazz. except at 5:00 this evening a big ol' storm decided to move through. so the weather is shit...clouds everywhere, wind, and humidity at 98% and climbing. my prof has gone to take a nap and the grad student who has been "showing me the ropes" the past two nights is going to bed in 20 mins, then getting up at 4 and going home. pretty soon...i'll be all alone. sitting in the control room with everything shut down, drinking a coke and playing sudoku.<br /><br />ahhh...sudoku. what a wonderful time waster. it's the new puzzle game that is sweeping the country right now apparently. it's like a crossword puzzle, except with numbers. if you wanna try it out, and get addicting and waste hours of your life go here: <a href="http://www.websudoku.com">http://www.websudoku.com</a><br />it's amazing. you'll thank me later.<br /><br />yeah...so anyway. the last two nights of observing have been patchy, and apparently chris and holly's run was horrible before. i love being out here...but i'm missing the golf team and the D right about now. sitting in a dark room, having to stay up, and having mice run past you is not the most fun thing to do when there's not a telescope to be using. don't get me wrong..as soon as this bad weather passes through (apparently in a couple days) i'll be loving it. right now, however, i'm missing what i left behind.<br /><br />and of course, that includes james. i miss him terribly...as always. he hasn't blitzed me nearly as much as he did last time i was here, which is making it worse. i rely on spending time reading one of the three blitzes he's sent me since i was up here and looking at pictures from formal. i've blitzed him far more than i probably should..which is why i'm writing this entry. to prevent me from writing him again. he seems to be really busy with work and being all "manly". the football game, poker, beer, and chips was apparently the "testosterone boost" he needed (in his words). i hope i'm not smothering him...i don't think i am...but then again. ugh...i panicked about this to him this summer...that come senior year, he's going to want to be more with his frat and his class that what he was last year. i understand that...but it's going to be tough. i just don't want to be that clingy girlfriend hanging around everywhere, but standing in the backround to senior pranks, drunken shinanigans, and fraternity life. i know i won't be...but i'm worried. and this isn't helping....<br /><br />ugh. stop being a girl.<br /><br />sorry.<br /><br />i hate that. i fill myself with all of this stupid shit just because he only blitzed me from work today before i got up and then left to go grab dinner, saying he'd write me when he got back. but no word yet. and the blitzes have all been pretty short...<br /><br />oh, and did i mention that i had a dream he cheated on me last night with one of my sorority sisters? i have no idea why...i mean...out of insecurity i've dreamt that i cheated on him (although they were all people disguised as him). but yeah...last night i had the most disturbing dream about it...i don't even remember it all, but it was freaky enough to wake me up...i saw too much of what i didn't want to see and then ran away in a stolen car to god only knows where...<br /><br />stop.<br /><br />i'm stopping now.<br /><br />ugh. again.<br /><br />anyway, hopefully i either a) this weather clears and i get to do more observing (yay!!) or b) i get to go to bed sometime soon. cause i've basically run out of things to do on my "list to do while observing" except academic stuff...which i want to take a break from.<br /><br />oh, and speaking of academic...best term at dartmouth last term!! booya!! :)<br /><br />and also...i got approval to stay at dartmouth and do research and get paid! although chris thinks i should go to europe...<br /><br />whatevs. i'll figure all of this out later. <br /><br />as for me...i'm going to sign off. check blitz again. and then check the weather.<br /><br />i'm sure there will be more updates over the next week while i'm here...i'll have a lot of time to just sit and think about things. that's what happens when i'm alone.<br /><br />g'night! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:29566 2005-08-02T02:35:06Z 2005-08-02T02:35:06Z Counting Crows - A Murder of One well...it's been quite a while since i updated and i have 30 mins to waste until i have to go play pong for a spot in the masters tourney so i figure i'll add something to my journal.<br /><br />had a really good weekend this past one...lauren and her boyfriend drove 9 hours to visit me!!! yay! and to add the perfect whipped cream and cherry, evie also decided to come join! it was so much fun. we all camped out in james' room, walked around campus, ate like pigs and drank yummy drinks, stayed up until all hours of the night...it was awesome. times like those make me happy that i lived in meadville so i could meet some of the jems there. i just thought it was so cool that i have people that love me that much to come visit me and make a great weekend! :)<br /><br />and i'm so excited for this weekend! james and i are going to travel home, partake in pasta bar, and meet the whole family. i'm a little scared of having him meet everyone at once...i feel it could be a little overwhelming...but i figure it's got to happen sometime. and he's determined to go. i already tried to give him warning so he could run if he wanted...but he wants to see my home. i'm excited as well, though. i think it'll be a lot of fun to have him around the house and not have to do anything. i do have to write a paper before i leave, however. meh.<br /><br />and guess what? james and i have made it to the half-year mark. woo! saturday was our half-aniversary. pretty cool and really crazy at the same time. it's gone so fast...we're still as strong as ever and i love the way we are together. not a whole lot has changed from the start except learning more about each other every day. we still respect each other and he cares for me better than i could have ever imagined. he's amazing for me...he's helped me so much in the past 6 months to be comfortable with the weird, nerdy, crazy person i am inside. and it makes me so much happier. and anyone who makes me happy is worth keeping around. :)<br /><br />other than that...life is going really well. i'm doing pretty well in all my classes, which is great. the house has calmed down enough that i'm not pulling my hair out everytime i go over there. as i said, things with james couldn't be better. the summer is going way too fast. :( but it's been good. oh and the astro stuff!! i get to go back to kitt peak soon!! yay!! :) :) i love this! i'm in such a good mood lately!<br /><br />alright...well i guess there's not a whole lot else to say.<br /><br />off to the house! woo! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:29235 2005-07-19T02:12:58Z 2005-07-19T02:12:58Z John Denver - Rocky Mountain High yeah...so it's been a while since i've updated. and i really shouldn't be updating now considering i'm supposed to be studying...<br /><br />but i just feel i need to comment on a recent event at dartmouth. a fellow classmate of mine was gunned down in berkley california yesterday morning. she had taken the summer off because she felt she could do more good by working at a women's and children's shelter in berkley. she was outside of her apartment when someone opened fire for no apparent reason and then ran off. she was the only one injured and died on the spot.<br /><br />this news hit me a lot harder than what i thought it would. i didn't know her personally, but she was a part of the dartmouth family, and even closer the '07s. what makes it all worse is that she was actively helping women and children who desperately needed her aide instead of chilling in hanover, floating down the river with all of us this upcoming weekend, and she was murdered by some crazy with a gun for no reason. she was helping others out of the kindness of her heart, and instead of being rewarded she was shot. it's incredibly disturbing, and i am extremely sorry for the incident. my heart and prayers go out to her in heaven and to her parents and friends that are left behind. it's such a shame that such a wonderful and active person was taken from us so soon....<br /><br />the vigil occured about 10 mins ago outside the dorm i am in. i walked out and gave a moment of silence while they assembled on the green.<br /><br />i'm so sorry.... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:29159 2005-06-10T21:31:59Z 2005-06-10T21:31:59Z Will Smith - Switch and with our love, the garden will grow and grow..<br /><br />such a sweet song, and i'm turning into such a country fan. :( well...primarily rascal flatts fanatic...i bought my second country cd today, along with 3 other cds...oops. book stores and ann are always dangerous...coffee, all the books i want to read and don't have the time for, and music. *sigh*<br /><br />anyway, i'm home again...after a very adventurous couple of days. i left hanover at 10 am on wednesday, went to the storage unit, dropped james off (after misjudging the time it takes to get to manchester yet again...i swear no matter how many times i go there, i can never get the timing right...), and then went to meet ev at raytheon. stopped at a pub and continued on the road with ev at around 2ish. we had to drop her car off at hartford and got back on 90 heading home a little after 5. i figured we could make it home by 1ish, but unbeknownst to me, i would still have another 6 hour drive when i woke up at 8 the next morning. long story short, ev and i got talking (primarily about boys...ah boys), and took the wrong road for about 150 miles without realizing it. hahahaha. we were 20 miles outside of new york city before we knew it....oops. anyway, thursday was less adventurous, and we made it home by 4...went to the gorcery store and saw gram before mom and dad got home.<br /><br />it feels so good to be home. just the fam and mostly relaxation for the next couple days until ev leaves again for more interviews. we had a minor trauma this morning involving the cat and a bat that he killed last night (see ev's post for more info), and we almost had to quarantine the cat (oops), but i found the bat in my semi-alert, overtired, and seasonal allergy (in full force) self and all is well...at least the bat is on his way to harrisburg right now.<br /><br />other than that...really nothing exciting. i'm glad to be away from hanover for a couple weeks. i love that place, but it wears on you...especially after the term i had last term. never taking another philosophy/boyfriend suggested course. what is 'easy' to him and easy to me are completely different things...<br /><br />i don't think mom and dad like the idea of me only taking two courses over the summer with neither of them being a science course...i may take a film course, though...which will be a 3A and involves watching movies. :)<br /><br />anyway, i'm off to pasta bar dinner at the club soon. crazy times with my insane family (not the immediate one, although we are all crazy as well...).... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:28875 2005-05-27T05:18:51Z 2005-05-27T05:18:51Z Better than Ezra - Desperately Wanting i never realized how strange those lyrics are until i actually write them out. whatever...garden state rocks my world, no matter how many times i've seen it.<br /><br />yeah...so update time. it's been a while, and i don't feel like working on physics or doing my phil reading...so it's the next logical thing to do. and i can't go to bed because 1) the boy has to finish a book and i don't sleep well with the lights on and more importantly 2) the dryer decided to crap out on me at 1 in the morning and my sheets are soaked.<br /><br />so last week of class, and boy am i ready. this has probably been my hardest term at dartmouth and i'm so ready for it to be over and done with. so much stress, anxiety attacks, all sorts of bad feelings, the crying spells...ugh. let me forget it all. there have been good moments in it all, though, too...and i'm in a very good mood right now and have been for quite a while (meaning like a week). woo! even with this crappy ass weather we've been having lately. ya know hanover, it is may 26th...you can become warm and sunny so i can wear cute skirts instead of sweaters. it might be nice.<br /><br />got my research at kitt peak!!!!!!!!!!! way earlier than i ever thought i would!!!!!!!!1 woooooo! although the june research may be cancelled...but as sad as it would be, it wouldn't be too too bad. i'm torn, so i guess it doesn't matter which way it goes. i can't wait to go, and i want to go as many times as i can...however, i get to go in july for sure...and it'll take up a week of my only home time i'll get in 6 months. plus, evie and i will be home at the same time...and we were planning on road tripping home together when i was done with finals. meh. anyway, i'll know tomorrow and life will be good no matter which way it goes.<br /><br />hmm..what else. did i mention i'll be done with spring term in a week?!? woo! (i definitely did, but just reaffirming the fact)<br /><br />so james and i are coming up on 4 months in 3 days. it's really pretty crazy when i come to think of it. 4 months, and i feel like i barely met him and that we've been together forever at the same time. it's a strange dichotomoy. but things are still going well...going great. he's so good for me...for my self esteem, for my mental health, for expressing myself and not being ashamed to be me. he makes me feel calm and safe. we laugh and are ridiculous, but have our serious and completely emotional and vulnerable sides as well. all in all, life is pretty good when he's around...and i was lucky the day i snuck into tridelts tails, yelled until i annoyed him out of his room, and ran into him later that night. it's funny how things work out...and i've said this a million times..but the best things happen when you least expect them. and yeah...this is good.<br /><br />wow...i could write forever about that. but he's finished his book now, and i ought to go make sure the dryer doesn't hate me again. i do want to sleep at some point.<br /><br />good night moon. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:28471 2005-05-17T04:26:42Z 2005-05-17T04:26:42Z Frank Sinatra - One for My Baby thank god green key is over. i'm starting to realize...aside from tails (especially room to rooms) and one (not 6) dance party...i'm not the biggest fan of the big weekends anymore. i get burnt out really easy, they add more stress to my life, and they make everyone act different. it confuses ann and she doesn't much like it. the chaos at the beginning is always fun (yay reckless abandon...), but by saturday i just want my life back.<br /><br />meh.<br /><br />anyway, on a happier note - life is better than the last update. i hung out with christine again on saturday night and had a ton of fun. we went dancing and i felt much better about my circumstance. i talked with both mom and dad, and ev...which made the homesickness go away a little bit. i always get this way at this time of the year. i haven't been home in almost 6 months, all my friends are done and home, and i'm only in the second wave of midterms. speaking of which...this term is gonna do some major damage to my GPA i feel...and i need to find a gut course for next fall. my astro class is really starting to scare me...i'm thinking costume design.<br /><br />things with james and i are back to normal, if not better than it has been in a while. we went to dinner last night and talked. it was really good..we sorted things out that were just misunderstandings and loads of stress. we determined we have to put us before work, or our relationship is going to become a burden rather than a blessing. cause if we don't make it special and seperate from our school lives, it get coupled in with work and we lose everything we have. and that's just not worth it. the good thing after it all (i guess our first "fight" although there was no screaming), was that the problem didn't stem from us as people, it stemmed from us as workaholics. it was more the pressure from the outside world rather than pressure from within. which is satisfying.<br /><br />alright...well i've been distacted from my work long enough. i ought to get back to my paper.<br /><br />good night moon! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:28127 2005-05-03T20:27:09Z 2005-05-05T16:35:22Z The Wonders - That thing you do yeah...so i'm crazy. just for the record.<br /><br />last night was fine...nothing to panic about. they sat in cabin and drank beers for 5 hours, bullshitting.<br /><br />anyway, i've had a good day, thus far. aside from the lack of sleep last night (only 3.5 hours in the end...sad), the day has gone well. i did a successful translation in latin, got a lot of questions answered in physics x-hour (although i really didn't want to go, it was really good i did), completed another problem, am learned how to fit stars to their CCD images and looking for proper motion (instead of messing around on unix looking at files and writing down which ones i need to process), ate a PB&J sandwhich, and am so excited for this discussion tonight (Will the Women of Dartmouth Please Stand Up?). cool shit. oh! and i did well on my physics midterm!! WOO! life is getting better. :)<br /><br />but for now i have to get back to work. i just read what i wrote and wanted to make a follow up that everything is fine and going well~<br /><br />tschuss!~ urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:27860 2005-05-03T05:57:52Z 2005-05-03T05:57:52Z Savage Garden - Universe :*(<br /><br />i'm really not a fan of this. he's been gone for over 3.5 hours. what could they be doing? i hate all this ambiguity. secrets are horrible. i don't like them at all... it makes me cry. i don't know why. i was going along strong...getting work done, being happy, and then i looked at the clock. and now, my anxiety's set in...i'm worried. for no good reason, other than i love him and i want him to be safe and here with me. i just hate not knowing...<br /><br />it's weird. i sat here crying, saying to myself 'why do they take him away from me, so late, and for so long?' over and over again. i got to thinking...i'm going to be wreck when he leaves forever. i mean...i can't see how we're ever going to break up...but... i don't even want to think about it. i mean what we have is good...really good. ugh. this is just making me more anxious. stop.<br /><br />sorry about that...not exactly sure what it'll sound like when i reread that tomorrow. me panicking again. i've been trained to think that when things are going good, they are bound to crash in a firey ball. it's how life works. i've realized in the past couple weeks just how much of a pessimist i am. for some reason i always had myself fooled into thinking i was an optimist (yes you can laugh), but i love laughing and smiling, and i feel i am (or at least was in high school and the like) an outwardly happy person. i just always am fighting demons inside. but i thought i managed to remain positive most of the time. i think now everything is so overwhelming i don't have energy to seperate the inside from the outside. and unfortunately the demons are overpowering the happy outside. actually, rather, kicking it's ass at the moment.<br /><br />although i did have a good day today. classes were good. i talked to both mom and ev for a really long time. both convos were really good. i haven't talked to evie in so long. :( my life has been so crazy this term and i don't know why. i mean spring is always a crazy term. last year, it was my drinking and not caring about school term. this term it's 'i'm working my ass off and not drinking, and still not doing well' term. i don't get it... hopefully it'll all come around soon...start out rough, finish a little easier. either way the term is almost halfway over, and the summer is looking like a lot of fun (i picked classes today).<br /><br />oh, and tonight...after i talked to ev, i did creative stress relieving. since i didn't want to leave the room in case james came back (which obviously shouldn't have been a concern...) i didn't play the piano or go for a moonlight walk. i did however turn my music up real loud and dance...without care or worry for almost 45 mins. it was really relaxing...oh and i read my quote book, and the "things to remember about ann" that i made this summer. it made me feel better.<br /><br />i was really in great spirits until about 20 mins ago. i just blitzed anton to ask if james was passed out in his room. i want to get some sleep tonight, but i know i won't be able to unless i know where he is and that he's alright. why do i worry so much? why has he been gone for almost 4 hours now? i'm insane. i just care a lot about him. i know he's not hurt or anything, i just want to make sure he's someplace safe with someone that can take care of him if i can't be the one. ugh.<br /><br />fuck.<br /><br />i need to stop crying. i need to know where he's at. i need to put in a movie or keep doing work, so i won't have anything tomorrow and can sleep. cause i feel the most i'll get tonight is 4 hours. and i was silly and thought he'd be back at midnight and we'd put in a movie and crash at 2. ha.<br /><br />silly ann.<br /><br />....<br /><br />:( urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:27369 2005-04-19T23:18:33Z 2005-04-19T23:18:33Z Dispatch - Past the Falls so i'm sitting here, listening to what is quickly becoming one of my favorite songs, stressing out over school work and decided i need to write.<br /><br />so lo and behold...ann is updating. think it's been long enough? haha<br /><br />anyway, life's been pretty crazy for the past 3 weeks. spring break, back to school, classes, practices, traveling, friends, boy, latin...it's all been rather overwhelming the last couple weeks. spring season is so crazy. really short, but really intense. but it's over now - ivies sucked ass, but season is over and it's back to attempting to stabalize.<br /><br />this week is going to be hell, too. 2 midterms and a paper. fortunately one midterm is done - although it was almost yesterday (which i would have failed guaranteed), and i almost slept through it this morning (damn you alarm) - it's done. i swear lating is out to get me. i'm not sure why - it's not like i neglect it or anything. it's just out to get me...<br /><br />things with the boy are good, really good. he's super supportive, even when i'm freaking out about everything (like i do), which is an amazing stronghold. it's good to have someone telling you you're great and going to make it through when you feel like curling up and dying because you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. he's been really good for me in that regard. i'm starting to gain confidence in myself, and hopefully picking up some of his optimism. lord knows i need it.<br /><br />let's see what else - i went through a panic session about my life over spring break. that was fun. i have this idea in my head that i can't actually do the things that i do. that i've somehow managed to fake my way this far and that some day i won't be able to pull things out. i don't know why i think this, but i do. i seriously thought about changing my major, and doing some sort of 'real' job (as if being a scientist isn't a real job....) like marketing or accounting. i'm weird. i'm learning this more and more. eventually, though, i realized that there is nothing else i want to do except learn about the stars. and my craziness sunsided, and i filed my major card and life is happy. :)<br /><br />one last thought before i get back to the shit load of work that has piled up over the past couple weeks. i love the ocean. there is some miraculous about it. it makes me feel safe, even when it is turbulent. it's soothing and simply elegant. it takes me away, even when i'm just looking at it. i like that feeling...<br /><br />alright back to work. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:27105 2005-03-15T06:26:14Z 2005-03-15T06:26:14Z he's hurting...and it kills me. i can't be there with him.<br /><br />it's nothing serious aparently...but he is in the hospital.<br /><br />i called to say goodnight and now i can't sleep. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:26465 2005-03-11T19:36:15Z 2005-03-11T19:36:15Z Hootie & the Blowfish - Hold my Hand first off - i always forget how beautiful the phantom of the opera soundtrack is.<br /><br />so...it's that time of the term again. finals. grrr. i really hate finals...i mean no one likes them...but the fact that so much rides on them, freaks me out. physics is actually going alright. especially considering i didn't start studying until last night at 9...and the final is tomorrow morning. i did my review sheets until 2 (i set a time limit which i followed through on), and fell asleep while reading the book. had golf practice this morning, went back to sleep and got up at noon and have been reading since. just got the reading done and am gonna come up with questions for office hours at 5. study study study tonight. pass out - take the test in the morning and then start all over again for latin.<br /><br />i took mike his birthday present yesterday - and he asked how latin was going i replied "it's going well. actually no - i lied. it's real bad." and he just laughed. i'm still working on a way out of the language requirement...the thought of taking more latin and being even more confused next term kills me. i mean - i've heard the first term of a language is always the worst...but i have to remember all this stuff all the way through. and it'll make my life easier next term if i don't have two completely 'kick my ass classes' and got to take drawing or something i'll actually enjoy going to instead. i mean i'm spending the money, i should like what i'm doing... (like my rationale? haha)<br /><br />enough of school ranting. although i do have to get back to work soon. my 15 min break has expired.<br /><br />but on a sadder note - james left yesterday, no boy for 3 weeks. it's good for me in finals, but i did miss him already last night. he's so great to talk to - he makes me forget i'm stressed and makes things less 'do or die' for me. it's a good contrast to my hyperactive perfectionist 'the world is going to end' self. i don't get to see him, talk to him (much) or even get blitzes from him...he did call last night when he go into oregon, but it was 3 our time, and he was with his fam...so i talked to him for maybe 3 mins. which is fine. but it made me realize he's gone for a while.<br /><br />so weird. this term has been strange - good and bad - up and down..but life changing none the less. it started with my better realization of myself and my friends. depression at the beginning of the term after this realization. deaths. feeling of being special (by myslef, by james obviously, but by other friends, too - primarily chet). 4 classes (which will never be done again, although it wasn't too horrible or overwhelming - it just got tiring by the end). wow...<br /><br />anyway, i'll write more of a reflective entry after the term. for now, my break has lasted too long and i must return to physics. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:26217 2005-03-06T20:48:59Z 2005-03-06T20:48:59Z REM - Nightswimming wow...what a night, what a weekend...<br /><br />it's been a crazy emotional week, but i mean - i can't expect anything less from the almost last week of a term. it started with my crazy post on monday, but has improved from there. after talking to james and mom i realized that there was no reason for me to be embarrased...the world is full of assholes and i shouldn't take the blame for their actions.<br /><br />anyway, so the week improved. then on friday was theta's formal. i went with james and had the best time. it was so much fun - we danced, ate, drank, and generally just had a great time. we came back, were exhausted, crashed in his room by midnight, watched south park and family guy and fell asleep. and it was great to a) not have to wake up to an alarm and b) not to have to rush out of the room to get back to mine to get back out to class. we could (and did) just lay there until 1...it was great.<br /><br />anyway, so last night was crazy. morgs and i went to the party at panarchy, stole top hats, drank, hung out...it was great. the top hats were obviously the best part. and i managed to keep mine all of last night. i love it. haha. i ended up getting pretty tipsy however, decided to play 3 games of pong with james, and then was really out of it. he took care of me and i crashed in his bed , said some pretty ridiculous things, passed out, and woke up this morning feeling fine. haha. oh what a night.<br /><br />anyway, i'm off to my acting meeting, then initiation, then golf dinner, then the hockey game. we're in the playoffs for the ECACs against yale. last game of the weekend (it was best out of three - we won the first, lost last night)...i'm super physced!!! then i actually have to do work...meh. who needs that? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:25950 2005-03-01T23:52:45Z 2005-03-01T23:52:45Z Rascal Flatts - Mayberry first and foremost - i'm sorry to everyone who was in the car crash on sunday, but so happy to hear that you all are alright. and i'm so proud of my big sis, who i knew already was the most amazing person in the world...and the best friend, sister, and hero anyone can have.<br /><br />secondly - i apologize for the lack of updatey-ness. i've been swamped for weeks: boyfriend, grandfather's death, all the incredible amount of makeup work, stress, birthday, concerts...i just find that when i have 5 mins to myself i enjoy napping or just sitting.<br /><br />thirdly - i'm having a weird day. i just have felt weird all day. i've cried 3 times, once spontaneously and twice for actual reasons. i think the best way to describe this day and the feelings i'm having is total embarrassment, but over things i should either not be ashamed of or cannot help. so i'm stuck in this center world of feeling like shit, but not really having a legitimate reason for feeling so. i hope this goes away soon...i need to learn to control myself and be prepared. avoid embarrassment at all costs..not a good thing for a person with not a whole lot of self-confidence and who is NOT and exhibitionist.<br /><br />anyway, good news - i asked morgan for the inner room for next term. in which point she threw a temper-tantrum but said that 'in order to be a better person in life, she should do it'. she is very self-cenetered...but i'm getting the room, so no complaints.<br /><br />i'm scared again. i wish i wasn't. fortunately this time i'm running to james rather than away from him for help. even though it's the same type of things (plus more)...i've changed directions. i'm so crazy..i wish i wasn't.<br /><br />i'm hungry, too. i had a taco salad with libby today but that was it. i think i might order EBA's, as sad as that is...<br /><br />anyway, i have to get back to doing physics and reading. i'm so tired. 3 days of classes left. then finals from hell...and spring break.<br /><br />meh. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:25168 2005-02-01T08:15:52Z 2005-02-01T08:15:52Z David Gray - This Years Love wow. i have a boy that likes me. truely definitely really likes me.<br /><br />tonight was awesome. he asked me to play pool with him when he got off work. i got all my homework done and went to see him at 10. talked with him until 2..finally left him at like 2:30. walked home and am happy. it's slow and comfortable...and we just talked and cuddled tonight..nothing more...and it was great. he makes me forget where i am for the moment and i make him smile just by looking at me...and it works reverse on me. we put in our chips tonight and are giving ourselves a chance. i'm scared, but in a good way i guess. i've been scared since the beginning because i've believed boys before that have torn me apart without knowing it. but james is different...i feel it.<br /><br />anyway, enough of that. i need to sleep. latin and 2 other classes tomorrow. ugh. work.<br /><br />but minna told me i have to gives lots of updates. and i figured this one was kind of important. ;)<br /><br />good night moon. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stargazer_07:25010 2005-01-31T01:26:29Z 2005-01-31T01:26:29Z Rascall Flatts - When the Sand Runs Out this is good. i can feel it. :)<br /><br />unfortunatly skepticism is overflowing as of this point. i'm working hard to be open and allow myself to trust..and when i'm in the moment it's not even an issue...but when i leave and the touch wears off i start to worry.<br /><br />stupid past that makes me be so afraid.